Success and Failure

Failure: My May totally fell apart and I dissolved into existing instead of living. I didn’t do the things that I had committed to doing. But I’m also moving on.

Success: For the last week (or more), I have been getting myself put together- doing my hair and make-up almost everyday. Everyday for the past four days. It’s a small accomplishment, but it’s huge for me. I’ve been discouraged about my body, my appearance, and my image. They seem trite, but it means a lot for me to look myself in the eyes in any passing mirror and enjoy the work I’ve done, even if it’s just hair and make-up. Wardrobe is next; it’s already begun. I’m tired of being defined by t-shirts and baggy pants. I’m better than that. So, I’ve purchased a few dresses and I love wearing them. I feel fresh, fun, and feminine. Couldn’t ask for more. All of this focusing on my outside has improved my ability to see my insides. I’m valuable. So valuable, in fact, that someone chose to die- just for me. And that blows my mind and makes me happy in ways I find hard to express. So, I’m making other changes to make this physical body stronger and better able to serve my Lord. I’m making one small change everyday to be healthier. Some days that change has been a salad for lunch instead of pizza. Yesterday, all I found that I could muster was to put the ice cream back in the freezer without taking one more bite. It’s a process. I’d love to add exercise into my day, but I’m NOT a morning person and can’t fathom battling the early morning AND the exercise- it’s just a recipe for disaster. I’m hoping to exercise first thing in the morning, no matter what time that is. It’ll probably be around 11, after getting the kids up and fed and taking care of the little things, but then I want to spend 30 minutes moving. Maybe, I’ll take the kids for a walk. That’s my next step anyway.

So, I’m having little successes in my little world. Most days, I feel like I’m drowning, especially when I look backwards. So, like Dory, in possibly the best Disney line ever, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.” Ignore the nay-sayers, even when they speak in my voice. Success breeds success. Or so I’m told.