What I’ve Missed

The saying always goes that you don’t know what good you have until it’s gone. That’s all too true.

Jordyn starts school tomorrow. Yes, she is starting kindergarten well behind the time that most kids start. The thing is, I’ve been homeschooling her for the past year and a half, but doing a poor job of it. The time has come to put her into “the system” and let her begin to make her way in the world. I have plans to go back to school and I am comfortable with this decision, though it is a huge reversal for me. Now all I have to get through is the fear and regret.

Yes, regret. I have had my daughter for six very precious years. She has been mine to hold and comfort and she has been mine, alone. I was anticipating having her home for a long time to come, teaching her to be a Godly woman, training her to run a household, and guiding her education. That has suddenly changed. What I realized tonight (as I watched George C. Scott’s version of A Christmas Carol) is that I’ve not been taking advantage of the time I had. Suddenly, I think of baking Christmas cookies during the day with regret. My time management with a hole in it where I was scheduled to school my daughter. With making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (herself) as an opportunity that will be missed from now on.

Why didn’t I realize how valuable my time with her was going to be? Perhaps this is the lesson that the Lord is teaching me. That my children are truly an inheritance, not just to watch grow up, but to nurture and to train. To invest time in. I’m not saying that you can’t do that if your children are in school, I intend to do just that. But think of all the hours I’ve wasted in my own selfish pursuits, watching a TV program with my dinner while my children sit at the table, requiring them to play in their rooms instead of reading a book together on the couch, having endless hours of “play quietly in your room” time because Mommy’s too busy for you. What waste!!!

For the longest time I’ve looked to elite gymnasts for their ability to schedule so much time in their day and here I’ve had all day, every day, and I’ve done nothing with it! Perhaps this change is a good one for me, for it will force me to realize what I’ve been missing and it will force me to make better use of the time I’ve squandered. Maybe I can redeem the time yet.