Since Moving…

…we have found a playground which not only has a large play structure, but it also has a flower garden, greenhouse, pool with slide, art exhibit, pond with bridge, and a walking trail. All among tall (enough) shade trees and soon to be green grass. One of the high points was discovering that this park had swings! Have you ever noticed that newer parks don’t have swings? All this, within a mile of our house!

We found the Riverwalk, which though it is unimpressive at the moment, will probably be nice come summer.

Then we got snow…in March…highly unusual for our standards. It went away a day or two later.

Then, while getting lost on the way to the library, found this! Jordyn was absolutely terrified of walking too close to the edge and would severely caution Noah against getting within ten feet of the edge of this cliff. Jordyn was very proud to note the dam just out of the picture to the left.

So, you can see that despite the constant work on the house, we are still getting out to enjoy ourselves occasionally. It hasn’t all been roses, but it hasn’t all be thorns either. Eric plans on joining us in about a week and we have a lot of adventures saved up to enjoy with him.

Just a Glimpse

So that is Lake Pueblo. I have known it existed for some time now, but yesterday, while the kids and I were out searching for a different library (we have found the one closest to us, but the book I wanted was at a different one and I didn’t want to wait to order it) and got lost and just ran right into this little park sitting on top of the lake. You can see in the picture that there is a dam on the left side of the lake. My mom took the kids out there a few days ago and they were excited to see a nice campground (hubby loves to camp!), a swim-beach and a lot of other recreational amenities. I just thought this view was attractive…so there you have it…my new home.

(Check out my other blog for pictures of the family and our activities…)

Cheerful Outlook

I went ahead and changed the blog background from the “heart motif” into something a little springy. Along with this outlook is a new weigh-in result, 191.5, and I am desperate to get out of the 190’s…soon!!!

Along with some other news, I have ordered the bridesmaid dress in a size 16 and it fits!!! Though it doesn’t fit well, I know that every pound I lose will only make the dress look better. I really do need to lose weight along my thighs and my preggo-belly flab but the most important is my bust. I will probably be wearing some form of “support” for the other two, but the bust is hard to conceal and since I fill out the bust portion of the dress, it looks slightly different. Oh well…I will keep trying to lose the weight and I get what I get. I still have about 6 weeks left to lose weight; that should be about 12 pounds which would put me right at 180 or so…a good start!
My goal is ultimately to get down to a healthy weight so that I can get pregnant, and I plan on halting all forms of (hormonal) birth control around mid-July, which would allow for another 10-12 pound loss and puts me in a much healthier category for pregnancy. I would hope to wait a month or two before getting pregnant, which allows for even MORE weight loss and there you have it! The other thing that this waiting period does is allow my husband and I to figure out the finances and work out some of the lingering issues.
All in all, when I am thinking clearly, I have a positive outlook for this year, despite the myriad challenges we face, and I would love to glorify God in my life regardless of my circumstances.

Why I Haven’t Been Writing…

I have always loved writing. It has been at times cathartic and at other times an escape from what I’m really feeling. Whenever I talk, I have this tendency to talk in circles completely contradicting myself within one monologue but for whatever reason, this is less evident when I am writing. I love the idea of preserving a heritage or a record of what has been going on in my life and how I manage to cope. Generally, I write out all my whiny and insignificant thoughts. Normally, I don’t have anyone to tell me exactly how petty I am behaving. Now, I do.

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

The reason that I haven’t been writing is because the things that I have thought to write about are all insignificant. I have been overwhelmed with facing my sin for what it is, instead of just pushing it off as “the way we do things” or “the way I was raised” or “just the way I am”. Even my standard attempt at “trying” has become inconsequential. Living with my family was never going to be ideal, but the amount of accountability I endure have is extreme.
We all live in the same three rooms, my mother my youngest sister, me and my two children. Though we have an extra three and a half bedrooms upstairs, they are being mildly renovated because of the lead paint and we have not moved anything up there for our safety. The problem is…there is a LOT of lead paint. So much that we can’t get rid of it. The last few days we have settled on a good containment solution (covering it with a thick coat of fresh paint), but we have done plenty of paint stripping in the meantime to get to the lead coat, just so that the details in this turn of the century home shine through. We are hoping to be moved upstairs in about a week or so. In the meantime, however, we are practically living on top of each other.
This situation has made it possible for my wise mother to critique every aspect of my life, from my diet, the way I raise (and treat) my children to my other inherent character flaws. At times my sister has contributed her opinion, but on the whole, she attempts to act as a buffer between the two of us. ┬áThe real clincher is that my mom is right. She always is and it is painful to admit it. My husband rarely calls me on my sin, partly because I have perfected my self defense (usually by shifting blame on to him…shame on me!) and often, he lets my sins go because he loves me and is always hoping for the best for me. My mother desperately wants the best for me and she is determined to point out how I am getting in my own way.
I have found myself confronting my motives for change, discovering why I have made no lasting change, and dealing with character issues of every sort. Where I thought I was on the right track, I now find that I might not be. In short, my entire life has been turned upside down. Still, those are all things I’d normally blog about…so why the silence, even in the midst of these heart-rending issues? I think it comes down to the complete lack of privacy.
I don’t have the time or location to sit and mull over all these issues. Right now, it is two hours past my bedtime and my sister is sitting not five feet away typing on her computer; privacy is all but gone.
So what have I learned in my silence? To offer it up in prayer. I have recently purchased Alan Jackson’s CD, Precious Memories, which is a collection of hymns. I have found it to be incredibly soothing and uplifting. One of the songs that has really caught my attention is What A Friend We Have in Jesus. I have heard this hymn before, but it never really sunk in, not until just this week. I don’t know if this is the whole song (probably not) but regardless, these are the words:
What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer
Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer
Have we trials and temptations
Is there trouble anywhere
We should never be discouraged
Take it to the Lord in prayer
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share
Jesus knows our every weakness
Take it to the Lord in prayer
I am looking forward to this time now, even as I struggle through all of this. I know where to go for help, though I am still not asking for help often enough yet. I was reminded of the beginning of James the other day.
My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. -James 1: 2-4

So there you have it. I have not been writing because I am dealing with deep personal issues…I’ll call a spade a spade, I am not dealing with “personal issues”, I am dealing with SIN and I don’t have enough time these days to be online alone to hash out these issues for our mutual benefit. The other thing I have found is that a lot of the blogs I loved to follow have decided to stop blogging which is just plain discouraging and yet I understand their decisions.
So, if you think of it, say a prayer for me here in Colorado…hopefully I’ll be on again long enough to write those articles I said I was going to write, but if not, just know that God is working in my life for His good purpose, and that is my greatest desire.
Love to you all, Kristi