I am usually completely upfront and honest about my thought and feelings on this blog. Maybe that comes from my experience writing a journal (which is how this blog started) or my relative inexperience with writing to an audience about a particular topic (to pull that off you need to be educated about whatever you’re writing about and I feel like I am only at the learning stage of these things…). So yet again, I post yet another “this is what I’ve been thinking about” blog. Interestingly enough, I find that is what occupies my mind these days, not the actual doing (which would be worth writing about) but the thinking about doing (which leads to overly-emotional-practically-useless posts).
After a tear filled conversation with my mother, she volunteered to pay for a month’s membership with eDiets for me and my sister, Karee. On top of that, she offered to pay for the “convenience” and “diet-specific” items that we would need. This is the only diet I have ever had success with in the past, and though I LOVE Perfect Weight America, Body by God, Maker’s Diet, and Nourishing Traditions…I need to lose the weight, fast! If I commit to this program, it will work, but as long as I try to straddle the two programs, I will not succeed at either one. So, I am committing to eDiets, for one month. After that month, I hope to finish out six months. I should be very close to my goal weight by then and ready to try pregnancy (which is a big goal of mine) again (we aren’t trying right now…) and I can begin to incorporate Nourishing Traditions and Perfect Weight America methods to my diet.
So, how do you like the new background???
It has been a long time since I have posted anything, but my diet is going poorly still and that is frustrating. Added to that are a number of serious stresses in my life right now and you’ve got a recipe for a “ate a whole cake in one day…alone” situation.
I am reading another book called The No-Grain Diet by Dr. Mercola. So far, I am having a hard time reading it, but I think it is interesting. He offers a three day start-up and I think I will give that a shot, using it like a fast. Otherwise, I still like the Nourishing Traditions/Perfect Weight America/Maker’s Diet style of doing things.
Quite frankly, I want to go to fat camp; where everything is already set up for me, workouts are already designed and all I have to do is show up and do the work. If I could go for three months I think I would come back a completely different person. I almost want to apply to Biggest Loser!!!
I have been thinking more about homeschooling lately. Jordyn is getting close to school age and she is eager to go to school. We live across the street from a (bad) public school, but she is so excited about going. Awhile back, last spring, when it was still very cold and the dew still froze the grass every night, I was lazy in the morning. The kids were still in their “footie-style” jammies and I had (of course) turned on the TV. I was working on my computer which happened to be in the master bedroom, Jordyn came in at one point to tell me she was going to school, but I didn’t understand. Imagine my dread as I realized that I didn’t hear the usual whining and screaming. I quickly came around the corner and the front door was ajar. I ran out the door screaming my daughter’s name, still in my PJs too. It was then that I noticed the two little figures in the jammies crossing our frozen field of grass heading toward the school. She was 3 and holding her 2 year old brother’s hand sopping wet feet even in their little footies. Thankfully, they came when called and promised never to leave again without Mommy or Daddy. We installed a top bolt later that day.
This story breaks my heart twice; once, that she is so eager to go to school to learn and I am letting her and her brother watch countless hours of TV which brings me to number two, that I am just an awful, selfish parent. I didn’t even hear them go!!! I have spent the last four years pushing my kids aside with movies and TVs so that I don’t have to get involved with them, after all, I’m busy surfing the internet! I have a deep regret about the way I have been parenting. Today was one of those days. I kept getting up to do something, but sitting down again a minute later. I ran off on all sorts of non-productive tangents and ended up with an entire day wasted. It struck me that I wasn’t a mother, instead, I was a babysitter: waiting until the real authority showed up and I could go back to what I was doing. OHHHH, I love my kids, I want to teach them, I want to nurture them, I want to see them to come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. HOW? How can I even come close to doing anything like that for my children? I am so self-absorbed 80% of the time that when I finally do pull myself together, I am so busy “catching up” that I can’t be bothered with my kids either! What a heartache this is… “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” -Proverbs 29:15. What a painful verse to read, but I must be made to see, I am forcing my children away.
Please pray for me, confronting this requires digging through years of personal baggage. I have been selfish from the get-go (just watch some of my childhood home-movies!) but I am a new creature in Christ and bound to sin no more, but that doesn’t mean it makes it easy, it just means I have a Rock to go to for strength. Praise God for that!!!
So often I feel like my kids deserve better than me. I think that is where I come back to homeschooling. I know in my heart that it is the best method, that it is the right thing to do, but then I think about how excited Jordyn is to go to school and I think to myself, that it might just be better that she go. She would get a better education…even if it’s a lousy one!!! As the pressure starts to build about what she should know or should be able to do or be doing, I begin to further doubt my abilities, despite what I know to be true.
The battle against your flesh really is a never-ending one, isn’t it?
My sister, Katie, has been in and out of doctor’s offices and hospitals for about two years now because of frequent anemia, heavy periods, endometriosis and the fact that they were completely unable to find a reason for all the problems going on. Katie finally changed doctors to one that would be a little more proactive about finding the actual problem while still treating the symptoms. (Her previous doctor told her that (at age 25) she was a lost cause and needed a hysterectomy.) During an exam where the doctor was actually able to insert a camera she exclaimed, “Katie, I know what your problem is! You have a tumor!” Usually there would be some sorrow or upset, but there was joy in the room because this three inch long fibrous tumor that had taken up residence in Katie’s uterus was operable! Not only that, but it is fibrous, and benign…no cancer.