In exactly one week, I will have been a mother for 4 years (not including the original pregnancy) and as I look back one of the things that stand out is my nonstop feeling of being “just the babysitter.” In my behavior, in all my actions, and especially my inaction when in the presence of anyone else, I have taught myself to be just that- temporary care for children who are more dear to me than anyone in the world. I haven’t appropriately dealt with this because it seems like every time it comes up, I have been left alone for a period of time (right now, Eric has been away for a month with the National Guard and my mom was away in New Mexico visiting my sister and her newest baby.) The problem is that these people inevitably come back. Therefore, I am never really forced to accept that I have this problem.
I received an email the other day that reminded me that I was specially chosen for this job of motherhood and not just in general, I was chosen to be Jordyn and Noah’s Mommy. That is my God-ordained role and I need to step into it and take “ownership” of it. I am not the babysitter, regardless of what I have been deceived into believing. It is up to me to train my children, not Dora, not Grandma, not the public school system…me, just me! Why is stepping into this role so difficult? What is it that makes me think that this is the job that God will not give me the strength to accomplish? What a fool I am.